The guy with the brown hat and soft sweater

Today, I got on a crowded tram M13 to go to Warschauer Str. on my way to the Am Urban postnatal classes. Being not so uptight about getting close to people like other Berliners, I found an empty window seat beside a man and I asked him if I could take that seat. He smiled and moved over, unlike other Berliners from my experience who want to keep holding on to their seats. I liked his energy, it felt easy. As I sat beside him, I became a bit conscious of how my energy would affect his. I really want people to be able to relax when sitting next to each other and I take it upon myself, it starts with me. When one person relaxes, the other person also feels more relaxed. When one person tenses up, the other person also tenses up. My first effort was to relax, just be present and try to ease up any tension in my body. I noticed that there was some restlessness in his hands, no idea for what reason. I was pretty still, just breathing and connecting to his energy. It somehow felt safe to connect. During one of those turns where one person is kind of pushed towards the other person with the centrifugal force, I felt the soft texture of his sweater, it felt so so good, so warm and cozy. I don't know, there was just this ease and connection that made it so enjoyable to just sit beside each other. As I was enjoying this feeling and liked it very much, I was wondering what's he gonna do about this, how is our goodbye going to be? Is he feeling the way I am feeling? A connection like this can only be two-sided. Would he ask me for my number? I don't know... Then we were reaching his stop and he got up from his seat and went and stood near the door. He looked at me from near the door and smiled, I smiled too. And then we were both looking at different things. Finally as his stop came, I stole a look at him and he looked at me and we both smiled again. And he nodded a bye and left. It felt so good to have feelings reciprocated and acknowledged liked that. I never heard his voice and will soon forget his face. And yet how we communicated, it was really romantic. It warmed my heart for the rest of the day and made me smile whenever I remembered.

This is the kind of ease I want to feel in a relationship.

June 19 in Berlin ... Everyday Romance

Wow! Another 5 years have gone by. And what tumultuous years! How does this happen? And I find myself in the same place yet again. Well, some home is better than no home. What are these homes or places I keep visiting? I really need some deep reflection.

But thank you, my past self, for creating this soft landing place for me. My wounded heart and soul needed this comfort. At least I can not fear fear, I have been here before and I can make it through again. But this time, we won't abandon these homes until miserable times fall. We will keep in touch, we will integrate. Maybe melancholy can still be a part of a happy and healthy life.

The following posts are not about songs but rather about the everyday romance in Berlin. I want to honor these moments and acknowledge their role in keeping my spirits high through my challenges, making me smile, sometimes making my eyes twinkle and sometimes making me mushy like a shy little flower. 

There is a gift hidden in every dark place. Those who don't visit these places can never find these treasures.

February 18 in AZ ...let's get this done

All I can see is tasks. Tasks to be completed and checklists. I want to keep fighting because, one: I want to get to the bottom of the list as soon as possible, two: I want to get out of this state of mind and body as soon as possible, three: if I relax or take a break now, I will lose this state, and then it will be a torture to come back into this non-human state - - and if I fail to come back here, I won't be able to get anything done.

I finish teaching and dash out into the Arizona sun headed for the Physics office to ask about a paycheck discrepancy. I saw the walking path was brown, glazed, wet actually. I had never known they were made of this kind of tiled stone and got this way when wet. Why were they wet, had it just rained? Really? Oh, it's still raining! It's not too much though, I think I can keep carrying my laptop in my hands. As I walk, I notice an old woman in fleece standing under a shade. Ok, probably because she is old and from Arizona, this light rain must be a big deal for her and she needs to wait it out under the shade? I pass through that shade. I notice the IT guy Bret walking through the dense rain, with a mechanical, determined, "going through life", "gotta do what I gotta do" expression on his face - something I could easily connect to at that moment. I guess people look like that in New York where it's raining all the time. I finally accept that the rain looks dense from the shade and probably it's a good idea to put my laptop inside my bag. While doing so, I wonder rains must be even more annoying in Arizona because you don't expect them. It doesn't cross your mind when you are getting ready to go out. And when it happens, you are like 'Oh!'. And then you just go on, because there is nothing you can do and no way you could have been prepared for this. When I turn around, I notice that the old woman was not what I thought - she was actually just another student of my age, and she decided to walk out into the sun and rain. I did so too in the opposite direction, headed my way.

The mechanical bot remains in me but I guess I can never shut off my left brain. The pace of things and how I feel, a mixture of tasks and yet a melancholy.

अरे रुक जा रे बन्दे ...

August 29 in AZ ... I suffer for I want you

These words have passed by me for years like air but only today do I taste the loaded pain and hope. This is what my heart feels for you, because somehow it's hidden and disconnected from reality. It's adrift somewhere under the sunshine, open blue skies and green pastures. It's beseeching you with desire, naive, vulnerable, naked. It foolishly thinks it's speaking to your heart. It's still foolishly waiting for you.

बेपनाह प्यार है आजा, तेरा इंतज़ार है आजा...      

Maybe hearts speak like this but humans don't. But even if they did, you would never appreciate anyway. I don't know why people say their heart broke, I feel like mine tore.

Revival

I am back here, unexpectedly, after 5 years!

And yet, reading everything I have written transports me back to those moments and feelings. Wow! I realize expression is a gift to mankind like no other. We all like to revisit our favourite places, even if we forget we can find them on the map. That's about physical space. But what about that other dimension you journeyed through? An emotional map does not exist and it can be really hard to revisit certain emotional checkposts. One might think of pictures clicked during some special occasions - but honestly that can never pierce you so deeply as written words. It might also be because you are not feeling particularly strong emotions while taking pictures. It's mostly when you are with yourself that you find your voice fully and totally. And that is usually when you write.

I am thousands of miles away from my romantic neighbours whom I didn't even know but their accidental gift remains with me - the inspiration for this blog. I will continue to write down about songs as and when they come to me.

December 14...calm down

A long lost love. A promise kept. A dying scent of lose petals getting scattered in the winds. The rhythms fall and converge and blur into a flurry...which song is this, I've heard it before...oh no, not THAT movie!

बिखरी तेरी खुश्बुएं मेरी ज़िन्दगी की तलाश मे

Think hot coffee. The aroma makes you reluctantly peep into the cold morning, all dazed. And then a blast of freshness overcomes you and you remark, what a beautiful day! If you pick the optimistic energy of the beats, this is going to be one of those days where everything you do turns out well...

बदला मैं सारा यूँ यूँ यूँ

Passion is alluring and you might think it is the best thing that ever happened to you. But what happens when passions compete? In spite of the melancholy, the smile appears on your face when you remember the days when the passion was fresh...how uncertain everything was, and yet how right it seemed.

मैं चाहूं तुझको मेरी जां बेपन्हा 

Where is this sweet voice beckoning you? Or is it your own voice beseeching you to explore something tantalising. You don't know it yet but the innocently twinkling stars, they are actually burning.

चाहत के उजले उजले नज़ारों में ले चलूं

November 17 ...why am I still awake?

A moist and cool pleasant feeling is all that remains after you have reached the comfort of your home while the rains are still thrashing outside in the dark. Is it the light of the candle that's making you feel so warm, or is it something more? 

सुलग सुलग जाए मन